RenewedReality

i really dont have much to say today. nick and i went to Olive Garden for dinner. The grilled shrimp caprese was pretty good, perhaps a little less garlic and it would have been perfect. lol our waitress couldnt believe that neither me or nick wanted the soup/salad that came with the meal and we didnt ask her for anything. i have never been a waitress but people seem so demanding and picky when it comes to their food. all she had to do was get us drinks and our meal and we were happy.

when nick and i first got there, i was disappointed that we werent taking advantage of the situation to have some fun. we both are pretty uptight people :( so i made a dumb joke about what he ordered and he totally didnt get the joke. then i told him that we should have fun and that we were acting like a bunch of dysfunctional retards. so while we were eating, we made fun of each other and laughed. i am normally a very defensive person and i hate when people pick on me , and i tend to get mad instead of laughing it off.. by the way that annoys nick because he is JOKING and apparantly i cant take a joke. but this time i laughed at it and didnt take offense. it was a strange feeling. more like a breakthrough. we were laughing hysterically at each other. i hope next time we go out, we do that agian :)

sorry everyone, i havent posted in forever. i have been posting privately for a while because the things i am writing about, i do not feel comfortable sharing with the general public. things with the boyfriend are still going good and work is still sucky. hehe.

the movie Into The Wild was fantastic. so was Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D. highly recommended!

i have been feeling anxious and closed off from people. i have felt this way for a long time and it stems from my belief that people in general cannot relate to my feelings.
i am making a great effort to beat these demons i carry around with me. here's to hoping it works!

socially i feel like i do not fit in. perhaps i'm so subtle with my charming ways that they are overlooked and i end up looking cold and uncaring instead.

i need me my nick fix, stat!

i should really be sleeping right now. ...
yes i really should..
it's so hard to sleep when youre mind is filled with wandering thoughts..
thoughts flowing in and out, some good and some not so much..


how much have i REALLY changed? or have i only changed because of nick ? i would love to think that i have truly beat my demons.. but part of me deep down knows that if nick were to go away from me, that they would probably come back. he keeps them away. he wouldn't want to be with me if i was drinking heavily and smoking.. so i don't. i would rather have nick. but if he left, i'm not sure what would stop me. hopefully, i will be with nick for a time that is long enough for me to never look back. maybe it will never go away. however, when i started school again a few years ago, i stopped drinking to focus on school. so no, it wasnt entirely nick and it isnt entirely nick that keeps me away. perhaps i should give myself more credit.


nick gave up a lot so that i could live with him. when i was in school, i didnt work much and i could only pay rent. he paid for electric, gas, cable/internet, and water. sometimes he had no money at all in between paychecks. he was poor so that i could live with him. sometimes i lose sight of that. how many guys do i know that would do all that for me? 1. and its nick.

gosh i really want him to come home :(

i just got done my work out and i'm sweating like a pig..
but damn it feels good.. i didnt want to exercise today cause i'm big time PMSing and i feel lethargic.... so i'm glad that did it anywayyyy

i really should get out of the house today.. i didnt go anywhere yesterday cause its so hot out ..

i want new shoes.. and new hoodies.. and new jeans.. and new cd's...
and a new car would be nice...

every day i think of something else that i want but i dont know how much longer i can hold out not spending any money , i love shopping! but i'm not making much money at the moment and i am definitly getting another car by winter time cause i'm afraid the one i have won't be good to me this winter. last year it started acting up and my dad keeps insisting its a good car .. but if its such a good car, why is it only worth 500 dollars? haha!

i now am the proud owner of a written diary. Nick bought a bunch of 1-subject notebooks that were on sale and he said i could have one.. so i wrote My Diary on the front and i wrote a little entry and drew a picture of the Shop Rite truck that was driving by and a picture of how Nick looks when he's eating Gushers. Then he wrote a little bit on the last page. some silly poem lol. we went to the park again today to feed the geese but we couldnt find them and after walking for what seemed like forever, we found a trashcan and threw out the bread and on the way back, we saw the geese!

I am just sittin here chillin w/ my headphones.. i'm listenin to Bob Dylan... i loveeeee it.

when i was younger, i hated bob dylan. i also hated pretty much all the classic rock stuff that i love now. i favored crappy "trendy" bands. now i cant bring myself to listen to that stuff. i think the older stuff is the best. perhaps my taste in music only gets better as i age.. like wine :)

at 10 the Wonder Years comes on. i love that show , it always makes me cry like a baby. i wish they would come out with a Wonder Years Dvd. even though i have almost no money to spend, i would spend it on that for sure!!

it's hot in the kitchen. I just got done reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I thought it was a fascinating book. It sorta made me think of all the things we have nowadays and how I couldn't even imagine living without the internet , digital cable, and my cell phone. The girl in the story didn't even have electricity in her home. I tried to imagine how it might have been like for my great grandparents. Would they be proud or terrified of the world today?

Switching subjects, i feel it's kind of ironic that Nick and I got along so poorly tonight. We barely spoke to each other except to bicker. We didn't end up eating dinner till 9:30 and then he went to bed right after that. I don't even know what caused us not to get along. Perhaps when i acknowledge my strong feelings for him, it causes this great iron gate to be put up between me and him as some kind of protection of getting hurt. It's probably not fair because poor Nick has been working hard all week, getting tossed from jobsite to jobsite by his nasty boss. He has been getting up at the crack of dawn even though he despises his job. His car is having trouble , he has a huge mountain of bills to pay and now he's not even sure that he will be getting paid in full because he didn't sign off w/ his foreman. And all i did was nag. Then i asked him if my legs were fat and he said " You'll never be happy with yourself. That's how women are and I don't get it." Then i shut up because it seemed to trivial of me to be talking about that when he doesn't even know if he will be able to pay his bills or find a new job.

Perhaps i'll be able to sleep better tonight , but i doubt it. At least the sheets smell fresh and in a minute, i will wrap myself up in my sweet-smelling bed next to my sweetheart.

today i slept till 11, yesterday i slept till noon.. its a little better but i still hate it! my sleeping schedule has become later because i work late on the weekends. but i feel like i sleep the day away during the week! i even set my alarm and i still couldn't get up :( tomorrow i guess i will shoot for 10 to wake up . my mother wants me to go over her house and spend some time. i really want to go but i'm tryin to get some stuff done around here first. I gotta put the dishes away and my sheets are in the dryer , not dry yet.

last night i had an awful time trying to sleep. i had all kinds of thoughts racing through my mind and i was thinking that it's always when its the wrong time that i get all inspired to write. but when i am sitting here typing, the words just don't come out right.

last night while i was tossing and turning trying to sleep, i was thinking of how much my life has changed since nick came into it and how so very grateful i am. i always want to tell him but i know he feels weird talking about things like that. so i just show him in little ways. like burrowing my face in his neck when he's lying in bed next to me and kissing it. and by rubbing his head to relax him. and by buying his favorite food at the store and cooking for him. back before i lived with him, i grew up in an extremely unstable household that had daily screaming matches, my mother overmedicating herself constantly, my brother telling me that i'm worthless. many a time do i remember hiding in a room with my dog trembling on my lap listening to him carry on and slam doors and throw things. i could not do anything without him telling me that i was stupid or that i looked bad or that i would never become somebody. and people didn't understand it, they told me to beat him up or ignore it, but after years and years of hearing that youre awful, you kind of believe it too and you don't stand up for yourself. i guess the best day of my life was the day i moved out. i never thought that life could be so "normal". nick and i do struggle to make ends meet at times, but there's peace here. it's so quiet during the day , i can do whatever i want without someone yelling at me. and when nick comes home from work, i try to cook a nice meal and he tells me about his day. we relax on the couch and watch tv. sometimes we do argue but so does everyone and it is in no way the screaming matches that i had growing up. we can get through without yelling at each other or calling names. it took me a while to get used to it when nobody was calling me stupid or worthless. sometimes i get defensive about him thinking i do things wrong just because i was always told that i couldn't do anything right. i think that i'll probably have those problems for the rest of my life but nick accepts me for who i am and thats what the difference is. he knows what i like to eat and doesn't criticize me. he doesn't criticize what i wear. it's helped me a great deal to figure out who i really am. i feel like for years growing up, i didn't know who i was and everytime i expressed it, i was ridiculed. now, if i want to read all day, there is no one here to make fun of me for it. if i only buy blueberry jelly, nick doesn't care. if i like drinking herbal teas, he doesn't care. and even though he is such a cute guy, it goes so much further than looks that makes me stay with him. my mother has said in the past that i will meet new people at the hospital and i know she meant i would meet a man who made a decent living. but i'm giving nick a chance. he tries. he doesn't want us to be poor. and even if i were to find a man who made more money, that doesn't mean that i will be happy. he could be a nasty person. he could cheat on me. money doesn't buy everything and it especially doesn't buy happiness. i'm happy here and here is where i plan to stay.

hello all! i'm back.. this weekend my boyfriend was home so i haven't spent much time on the internet. also, i work weekends which gives me even less time both on the internet and with him! the part that sucks is that he is away for work during the week and comes home at the end of the week, then i work on the weekends so we don't have much time to spend together. he was supposed to leave again today but now they are leaving tomorrow so today was an unexpected treat when i heard the door opening this morning and saw his smiling face.
friday we went to the movies and out shoppin a lil and then we got pizza for dinner. it was so nice spendin the day! saturday before i left for work, nick went out to do some errands and came back with beautiful pink roses for me. it made me so unbelievably happy :)
this weekend at work was really boring and dragged on foreverrrrrrr. it made me sad to think that my goodbye to him was in a rush as i grabbed my stuff together and hurried out the door so i wouldn't be late to work. of course, he was sleeping when i got home and left very early so i was happy to spend more time with him today. we just sat around and watched tv and cuddled. haha then i stuck my cold cup that i had ice cream in on his bare stomach and he tried to put his feet in my mouth. i kept laughing and i had to keep my mouth shut while i was laughing so he wouldnt stick his toes in my mouth and it was so weird. so i kept sneaking the cup on his stomach and then i was trying to put my feet in his mouth. it was hilarious.
i haven't had much time to read this weekend... i'm reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn but i'll have plenty of time to do that when he leaves again :( ..
tomorrow i am hangin out w/ my mom and she wants to watch King of Hearts.. i've never seen it but it she says its good.
anyway so here are some pics of the roses cause i love them so much i don't want to forget them.

whenever I have any free time,like today, I find myself getting totally lost in a book or the internet for the entire day, never stepping foot outside of my house except to get the mail. oh yea and i ventured out back to water my bf's plant and had 3 jack russell terriers barking at me all at once. some people love to go out and DO THINGS on their day off but not me. I love the silence and the peacefulness of staying home alone doing nothing.
I am currently reading The Neverending Story , which I found last week in my parent's basement. it must have belonged to my sister because I have never read it. I am a little more than half way through it at this point, and it is pretty good. I know it is a children's book, but I dont find it boring or simple. I always hated the movie growing up, but the book is so much better, as is usually the case.

Today i was missing my bf and he must have read my mind because he sent me 3 pictures of himself that he took w/ his phone in his hotel room. it was soooo cute.

i might go snooping in my bf's drawer for one of his shirts to wear to bed. once upon a time i would have thought that was bizarre...
but the shirt would smell like him..

and that is the next best thing i suppose.

sometimes i feel scared about my feelings. i basically have myself laying still and vulnerable and silent. he could rip my heart into pieces if he wanted. i have never felt this way before. ever.

so , hello and welcome to my renewed reality. i hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

let me first start off by saying that i probably won't be mentioning names, places, things, that can identify me. I am hoping to remain anonymous for reasons i'm not sure but it seems like the best thing.

Since you don't know a thing about me, i'll just fortify you with the knowledge that I had a shitty childhood like most people seem to have had. It probably took me longer than most to pull myself up by own bootstraps to rise and conquer. I am well aware that some people never do this, so i am proud of my efforts.

In a lot of ways, the freedom i am experiencing is both terrifying and wonderful. I want to experience new things. I want to explore. I hope that this new place will be just the thing to help me do just that.

I have been realizing lately that i am better at shutting out negativity. Perhaps it's just a thick skin that has taken years to accumulate but when people do or say mean things, I can stop for a second and think "if they want to be so negative, then let them but it doesnt have to affect me" I guess it helps me when i think that other people's actions are their choices and I still have the choice of refusing to let it bother me. Just cause they are mean doesnt mean that my day has to be ruined.

And i guess i'll finish this entry off with what i did today. I thought about my boyfriend , missing him as he's away for work. I wanted to do something nice for him because i am handicapped with how much love flows in my body for this man. it makes me weak and strong at the same time. so i bought him preseason football tickets for him and 1 other person. i hate football and i know that if i went with him, he would not enjoy the game as much as if he brought someone who likes it , so i told him he can choose whoever he wants to go. actually, i was not aware that it was a preseason game.... but the regular season games you cannot buy tickets for unless you wanna go to ebay or something and pay an arm and a leg. I was a bit disappointed when he told me it was preseason but he also said that the regular season games are too expensive and i knew he had never been to a game and that was my thinking in the first place. its not for any occasion, other than the fact that i am hopelessly in love with the guy and i just wanna make him happy.

yesterday we went to the park to feed the ducks which turned out to be geese and there was a little squirrel who wanted to be fed. so we fed him and i took his picture but with the flash he looks like a demon.